Alright, folks, buckle up because we’re diving into Disney’s live-action *Snow White*, and holy shit! what a trainwreck this is. If you thought Disney couldn’t possibly fuck up a classic fairy tale any more than they already have, think again. This movie is a dumpster fire wrapped in a tire fire, sprinkled with a generous helping of “what the fuck were they thinking?” Let’s break this disaster down, drink in hand, because you’re gonna need it.
The Plot: A Shit show of Epic Proportions
First off, the plot. Jesus Christ, where do I even start? This movie is a soulless, boring, unfocused mess. Snow White doesn’t earn a damn thing—everything just falls into her lap like she’s the universe’s favorite spoiled brat. She’s sheltered, clueless, and yet somehow decides she’s entitled to lead her kingdom. Her big solution to the people’s problems? Fucking apple pie. I’m not kidding. It’s like Marie Antoinette’s “Let them eat cake” moment, but somehow even more tone-deaf. What the actual fuck, Disney?
The film tries to sell Snow as some kind of “girl boss” revolutionary, but she’s about as inspiring as a wet sock. She doesn’t lead, she doesn’t fight, she just whines and expects everyone to bow down to her. By the time she becomes queen at the end, you’re left wondering why the hell anyone would follow her. Spoiler alert: they wouldn’t. This is pure fantasy, and not the good kind.
The Characters: A Cast of Unlikable
AssholesLet’s talk about the characters, because holy shit, they’re bad. The dwarves? Absolute nightmare fuel. They’re annoying, unfunny, and completely pointless. Dopey, who was once a lovable idiot, is now “misunderstood” because God forbid we have a character who’s just dumb for laughs. Disney’s attempt to modernize the dwarves is so half-assed it’s almost impressive. Almost.
And then there’s Rachel Zegler as Snow White. Look, I’ll be blunt: she’s insufferable. Her Snow White is entitled, stuck-up, and selfish. The film tries to paint her as kind-hearted, but her actions scream “spoiled brat.” She doesn’t thank the guy who saves her life multiple times, she doesn’t inspire anyone, and yet somehow, Disney loves her. Why? Because the plot says so. It’s lazy, it’s stupid, and it’s infuriating.
The Romance: Forced and Fucking Awful
The romance between Snow White and the bandit lover boy is a joke. There’s zero chemistry, zero buildup, and zero reason for them to fall in love. He saves her life, and she treats him like crap. Yet somehow, he’s head over heels for her. Why? Who the fuck knows. The film tries to justify it by saying she “inspired” him, but it’s complete ass crap. She didn’t inspire anyone—she’s a walking disaster.
And don’t even get me started on the “true love’s kiss” moment. It’s supposed to be this big, emotional payoff, but it falls completely flat because their relationship is built on nothing. It’s like Disney forgot what makes a romance work. Compare this to the live-action *Cinderella*, where the romance feels genuine and earned. In Snow White, it’s just another unearned moment in a film full of them.
The Queen: A Wasted Opportunity
The Evil Queen is one of the most iconic Disney villains, but in this film, she’s a fucking joke. She has all this powerful magic, but she conveniently forgets to use it when it would actually help her. Instead, she comes up with these overly convoluted plans, like turning into the classic witch to give Snow a poisoned apple. Why? Because the plot demands it, I guess.
Her downfall is just as bad. Instead of being defeated by Snow or the dwarves, she literally kills herself by smashing a mirror. That’s right—the big bad queen offs herself because she didn’t like what the mirror said. It’s such a lazy, anticlimactic ending for a character who should be a fucking powerhouse.
The Dwarves: What the Fuck Happened?
The dwarves are one of the most beloved parts of the original Snow White, but in this film, they’re completely sidelined. Instead of casting actual dwarf actors, Disney throws in a token little person among a group of bandit hippies. It’s a bizarre, half-assed attempt at representation that feels more like pandering than anything else.The dwarves don’t even play a significant role in the story. In the original, they’re the ones who chase the queen to her death. Here, they’re just… there. It’s a wasted opportunity to honor the source material, and it’s just another example of how Disney doesn’t give a shit about the stories they’re adapting.
The Final Verdict: A Complete Shit show
Disney’s live-action Snow White is a fucking disaster. It’s a soulless, unfocused mess that fails to capture the magic of the original. The characters are unlikable, the plot is nonsensical, and the payoffs are completely unearned. At its core, Snow White is a story about timeless truths: hope, kindness, and the power of true love. But this film completely misses the mark. Instead of embracing what made the original so beloved, it tries to modernize the story in all the wrong ways.
The result is a film that feels more like a cynical cash grab than a heartfelt retelling.If you’re looking for a good live-action Disney adaptation, stick with Cinderella. As for Snow White? Let’s just say this one’s better left forgotten. Or better yet, set on fire.
What did you think of Disney’s live-action Snow White? Did it work for you, or did it make you want to throw your TV out the window? Let me know in the comments. And remember, folks: stay critical, stay drunk, and avoid bad remakes like the plague. Cheers.